Have you noticed your nipples today?
As a student of somatic sex education I find myself prompting students and clients to notice sensation in their bodies in the ways that I have learned to practice through studying in this field.
It took me some time to get to the place where I could understand that the assignment was often just to notice. After years in conventional schooling, I would often approach the work with a sense that I needed to get to the bottom of something, really come to intellectual understanding in order to feel “complete”. When the goal of the assignment is just to notice, letting our attention come into our bodies with curiosity, we might not understand what is happening. But the insights and observations are the treasure; as I learned in my training, Awareness Brings Choice, the ABCs of personal embodied agency are built on first noticing.
Earlier this week I was really noticing my nipples. Because I had a concentric top surgery, my nipples nerve stems stayed intact which meant I retained a fair amount of sensation. I do have scars that encircle each of my nipples, some of which seem to also contain permanent stitches. Trying to think about how to describe the sensation of scarring in such a highly innervated area can feel confusing or complicated, but as I was coming out of having some fillings done yesterday, the sharp sparkly sensation of freezing wearing off presented itself as something comparable. I can feel my nipples, my nipples are capable of feeling pleasure, but there is also a sharp, prickly, sparkling numbness that is there, and presents itself more or less depending on hormone cycles, touch, arousal, weight gain, clothes rubbing, physical activity and sometimes even witnessing a crying baby. My chest can’t produce milk anymore, but some of the reflexive actions that were a part of my history as a parent who fed from my chest still find themselves happening in new and sometimes sensitive ways. I can’t say why exactly my nipples were so loud on that day, a number of variables could have played in.
I had a brief moment of whining to my partner Jess (with whom I teach Pleasure (Your) Chest) about the downsides of having maintained nipple sensation. When they hurt, I can really feel it. She reminded me that not only did I choose the procedure that maintained sensation, I also spent much of the last 4+ years since surgery in what she called “interoception school”. Coming into noticing your body can be a bit of a minefield when you have chronic pain, scars, or other things that can make BEING in the body a bit of a pain in the ass. Choosing to tune into a body that has very loud things to say can make it harder to ‘keep calm and carry on’. If we have been out of touch with our bodies because it does feel too complicated or too much, or we have fear that the experience of being with challenging sensations and emotions in the body will be eternal. I don’t want to start to feel, because what if I can’t turn it off again? This type of question is a real concern with no simple answers.
My initial recommendation though, would be to seek out support. Having someone who can help hold the container of exploration or witness and hold your body while you take brave steps towards feeling into deeper parts of yourself is powerful. Hiring a coach or trained bodyworker is one way. Seeking out facilitated group learning spaces is another. Either way, you don’t have to do it alone.
If you have had top surgery, of any sort, whether recently or in the distant past, and you want to spend a bit of time in a group container exploring feeling in our bodies a little more and a little deeper, Pleasure (your) Chest is for you! You can read more about the class here or watch this IG live that we did recently to talk about it. We are starting our next round in 9 days and still have space for you to join us.
If you are interested in working with me for 1 on 1 supported exploration of your body and it’s capacity to notice and feel, in person or remotely, send an inquiry message to softtouchbodies@gmail.com and we can set up a call to discuss working together.
