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Role Play Recap- October STICC musings

The theme for this month’s Soft Touch Intimate Craft Crossover was costumes & erotic role play. 

A number of key teachables came up over the 2 hour cozy crafternoon and I thought better than to just leave those points for only those who made it in person. Obviously, I am not going to share anyone else’s personal stories (that’s not super cozy), but I did want to put together something that could have a little bit wider reach and exist for longer in a way that folks can mull over it and refer back as needed. 

As we talked about negotiating role play dynamics, I shared a teaching I credit to Caffyn Jesse, through their Intimacy Educator course. Touch, in and of itself, can be a perception altering substance/additive. When, as touch professionals, we are taught about negotiating consent, the idea of ‘establishing limits before touch is initiated’ means that the outer edges of what we might get up to in a session or a scene, will not change once our bodies have begun the intoxicating process of the energetic exchange of touch. I relate this also to negotiating touch or proximity limits for trip sitting protocols in the field of psychedelic medicine. It’s important that we establish what is the limits of what is ok, before we alter the field. In practice this means that we negotiate what can happen before we are in the scene. We work together to chart out desires and limits. 

As an example: In a negotiated scene the receptive partner says they don’t want anything to break their skin or be put in their body. If a dildo is in the room, we know that it would only be used externally. We know that blood sports are off the table, needles, scalpels and such have no place in this scene. Hands or fingers won’t be going into that person’s mouth, genitals or asshole.  Any other kind of impact play should happen in a way that respects the integrity of the skin, and if at any point skin seems like it could be nearing anything like a break, that impact needs to stop or be wound WAY back. Even if the receptive partner in this scenario in the fever pitch of excitement begins begging for a lashing that will go beyond their skin’s edge or that they really want something in their butt- both of those things were taken off of the table so cannot be added once things are happening. Different terms could be arranged for a future date, but adding to what has been consented to once the scene is in play, is akin to consent from an intoxicated person, which in its very doing would undermine the trust requisite to such edgy play. 

We will likely find it easier to surrender into a scene when we are confident in the container’s limits. Of course having ways to pause and clarify things is also an important part of trust based dynamics, but when we are consciously and intentionally entering into playing with power and surrender, being trauma informed could mean mapping things out ahead of time as thoroughly as the players involved both/all desire. Understanding each other’s triggers as well as preferred approaches for aftercare can mean that both/all sides of an erotic power play can trust that they are within what is acceptable; even when the things we are playing at may fall far outside of mainstream conventions of acceptability. I have found more and more in my slipping down the rabbit hole of neurodivergent, queer, sex nerds trying to be good to each other, that when we lean into the inner theater kid urges to block things out, run lines, establish & background characters, practice choreography and so on, we create a beautiful experimental place where we can use erotic play to do hugely transformative work.  The phrase “Be careful with each other so we can be dangerous together.” ties in here, and when I think about it applied in a kinky context, it offers extraordinary clarity around how we can both kindly offer sadism when it is craved or securely offer our masochism to a trusted beloved. 

I shared an excerpt from “The Art of Discipline: Creating Erotic Dramas of Play and Power” by Susan Farr, published in Coming To Power: Writings and graphics on Lesbian S/M edited by members of SAMOIS, 3rd edition, 1987

For lovers to safely stage such erotic power dramas, it is essential that they trust one another. For trust to develop, it is crucial that the lovers be honest with each other. Being open, vulnerable, expressive- which in this case would include sharing one’s erotic power fantasies- encourages intimacy, which provides the safety within which lovers can act out sexual fantasies. The acting out of the fantasies becomes the self-revealing expression of intimate truths which contributes to new depths of trust and love. In the process, lovers become real to each other. It’s like the process of becoming Real described in the children’s book, The Velveteen Rabbit. The skin horse is explaining, 

“Real isn’t how you are made, ” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes, “ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

I was also reminded of a pair of kids that I worked with in a childcare setting many years ago. The other staff in the facility weren’t sure how to ensure that the dog-master game that these kids had invented for themselves could happen in a way that felt like it was considerate of concerns around power in their play. I sat the kids down, and asked them the following questions.

  • Did you both get to have a say in how this game got made up? Did you each get to choose what role you are playing in it? 
  • Do you both understand the rules of the game? Do you both feel like if you didn’t, that you could pause the game to ask questions or work together to change what was happening?
  • Do you both have equal ability to quit or cancel the game? And you both know how that would happen?
  • If you wanted to change the role you are playing, are you allowed to ask to change things? And you both know how that would happen? 

Learning about consent, even consenting to surrendering power, doesn’t have to be overly complicated. It’s play. We use play to make sense of and find wholeness in complicated and messy things from early ages; sometimes this work is about remembering how to play. 

On the note of changing roles, another idea that entered the field today was the value of folks trying things out from both sides as a way of building knowledge, compassion and trust. Subs who always sub may not be mindful or respectful of the layers of responsibility held by a top who is holding the space, the bridge to clock time, as well as the potential impacts of repetitive strain injury or equipment care and maintenance. A top who never subs may not really understand just how sharp that cane stings or the ways that the high of play piercings can make spacial awareness and gravity more challenging to navigate. Not everyone is a switch, but players of any persuasion who are interested in developing their skills and compassion can learn a lot by a little time at a carefully turned table. 

The last little nugget I will leave you with from today was the idea of playing a role play scene wherein we serve as a tour guide (headset mic optional) to our own body. This sort of built off of what we got into in September’s session on genital mapping, but really is about how every body is unique, and especially when we are starting things out with a new partner (or if we are wanting to strengthen the foundation of our relationship or are navigating big body changes like pregnancy, post-partum, genital surgeries, HRT, menopause etc)- giving them a tour of our body including, what we call things, how they like to be touched, how they DON’T like to be touched, can mean that our partners are better able to meet our unique needs, desires and boundaries.

“Please keep your hands in the bus for the duration of the tour and remember to not feed the wild animals (unless that’s been negotiated ahead of time)”


Next month’s STICC is for the femmes who finger and those who love them. It is the one year anniversary of the death of my wife/babygirl/partner/sweetlove Coco, and the craft of the day is in her honour. We will be packing nitrile gloves with cotton balls, so if you want to craft along with us, you will want to have those things on hand before the 27th. If you don’t already have a ticket, you can get one here.

And… as was the intent, I did complete my costume piece- the maddest hat around, complete with internal lighting, miniature tea party, felted caterpillar and it’s little pipe.

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